Adrian Lamo: A True Story (Continued, In Progress...)

  
#My Time With Adrian Lamo
#by A True Friend

    I first met Adrian Lamo around 1996 at a 2600 meeting held in Embarcaderro One, in downtown San Francisco.  It was a heady time to be studying Computer and Telephony security, and that particular meeting was  a regular hotbed of talent.  Unbeknownst to me at the time.  This was my first 2600 meeting, ever, and many rising stars of the computer Hacking world were there.  Mudge from Cult of the Dead Cow was there, extolling the virtues of Back Orrifice and selling T-Shirts and generally being loud. Some of the founders of L0pth Heavy Industries were there, playing it cool. Scores of young kids were there, flying by on roller blades, shooting lasers around, selling cloned cell phones, and generally making a nuisance of themselves.  I met a few Army Intelligence Veterans, recent and young, who talked freely about disturbing topics like drug experiments and the Echelon Project.  And then there was Adrian. Wearing all black and sitting alone on the floor against the wall with his laptop, not talking to anyone.  Rather, he talked openly and freely with anyone who talked to him, but he did not reach out or seem to need anyone else.
    I was nervous.  Very nervous. Hacking was something that appealed to me very deeply and had since I first learned what a modem was, even before then, since I had first heard of Mitnick.  As the future Anthropologist I would one day become, I immersed myself into the study of Hackers as a society and what I found did not compel me to become a part. Quite the opposite.
    In those days "Phrack" was a very important instrument in disseminating information about all things Security Related.  In the back of Phrack was an on-going chronicle of what was happening with all the best known hackers and hacking groups in the world.  Anyone can see that the end of almost every well-known hacker is to be stabbed in the back by someone you trust implicitly. Even Mitnick.  Also that the End of every well known hacker was Jail, a Job working for the Governments, or more rarely a private sector Security Consulting Company.  So I had no desire to make any friends, I just wanted to have a look around.
    My father taught me well the value of social contacts and even how to politely and secretly manipulate social contacts to my advantage and out of all the people I met that fateful evening, Adrian (and one older "Line-man") was the only person I met who I thought was worth my time.  At this point of my life I was only interested in hangin out with older people, yet Adrian was a year younger than me.  His eyes were clear and he would look you in the eye when he spoke. "Innocent" is how I want to describe him. Innocent and Genius.  Unlike many others I spoke with, Adrian did not guard any of his network knowledge, nor did he feel the need to talk down to me, regardless of how simple my question.  He answered them all.
    More than being fascinated and impressed by him, I genuinely liked him, on a personal level.  As the evening rolled on, a small group of "serious" 2600 group people decided to go to the Mexican restaurant on the top Embarcadero level to end the evening. Adrian was there as well as the graying man who sat next to me and claimed to be a "Former Line-Man."  But Adrian was the only person I was really interested in.  He told me he was already Administering several corporate networks, on a voluntary basis, and that he registered domain names for fun.  One that his sense of humor enjoyed was "Terrorrorists.com and Terrorists.ir."  He offered to give me an email address on there and an account on one of the systems he ran but I demurred shyly or paranoidly.. Also he was already quite openly and un-self-consciously Gay, and out, at 13, and I was in an experimental phase and I cannot deny that part of the reason for getting his contact information was the promise of us exploring these feelings together.  Gay people were often attracted to me, but it was very rare that I was attracted to a gay man.
    The truth is that my intellectual palette was already pretty well spoken for and all my time was already spent in studying subjects that I loved, namely the Occult, Magick, and Mysticism.  My passion for hacking was great, but the risk associated with it seemed unwise.  I had already devoted 6 years to spiritual disciplines and there was so much to learn about computer and telephony security subjects that I finally just decided to stick to my guns and keep "hacking" on the back burner.  I recall to this day that I had a real moral dilemma about whether to engage Adrian in life and choose "Hacking" or whether to Keep Calm and Steady on.  I chose to leave him be.

    10 Years later and I am still following global Hacking in a vague sort of way, when I see his photo, somewhat aged but still quite young and Cherubic, on the cover of an SF Weekly in California.  The large headline said "Homeless Hero Hacker!" or something of that sort. The word "hacker" gets me, but I see the face and feel something akin to De Ja Vu.  I read the article right there at the bus stop and apparently our Adrian Lamo had been very busy indeed.  He was now "famous," and homeless, but homeless in a “Ronin Samurai Christian Martyr” sorta Way, not a “Dirty Street Addict” sort of Way.  Having hacked most of the huge corporate networks, his signature as a Hacker was his REAL signature. He never violated a network without informing the network of his attack vector and how to fix the problem (when he knew how.) And that his name is “Adrian Lamo” and he is happy to help.  A few of the MegaCorporations gave him formal public “Thank You’s,” others stayed silent, and still others complained about Adrian, but not too loudly.” The vast majority of his hacks were perpetrated through no more sophisticated means than a simple Web Browser, curiosity, and God's Blessing.  This was a brave and radical tactic on his part.  Never tried before or since. As bold as it was Naive, that he had such Faith in mankind that if he only did Good it would be recognized and he would not be crucified for his trouble like say, Mitnick, or Jesus, or countless Martyrs. At least, this was what the article said.  I believe it also mentioned that Kevin Poulsen had somehow taken Adrian under his wing, in an advisory capacity. Poulsen was writing for Security Focus at the time, having narrowly escaped the hacking scene for Journalism. Throughout Adrian's “career” Poulsen would write some of the kindest articles about Lamo and when it finally came time for Adrian’s Crucifixion Glen Greenwald cornered Poulsen in print, in a clear attempt to make sure that Poulsen did not interfere with Greenwald's Smear campaign. Sniping Lamo’s only public ally.  Or I’m getting my memories confused with information I learned later about Adrian, from Adrian, or during research. But back then  I still thought Poulsen was K-Rad for hacking COSMOS and everything else he did, told in his book “The Watchman: The Twisted Life and Crimes of Serial Hacker Kevin Poulsen”
   
    I was proud of that boy I had once met and proud of myself for having such good taste, once again, when it comes to Character. I’m a scary judge of character. Of all the people at that 1994 2600 meeting; I chose The Winner.

    Maybe three years later and I am taking a Journalism class at Sacramento City College in Northern California.  From my snarky back-row seat I noted, barely noted, on the first day of class a quiet young man in the very first row, center, on the first day of school.  I also noticed two beefy, muscular, older “students” who also sat in the back row, appeared to be a “Team,” and only spoke to each other.  When the teacher asked what we wanted to report on he very quietly and firmly the front row ghost said "Computer Crime and Technology."  I thought to myself "Who the hell is that nerd? Doesn't he know this school paper never reports on shit like that? Ah, well, he will learn."  Then I promptly forgot him, and the Odd Couple, for the entire rest of the year. Barely noticed his constant blackberry texting. He was apparently no one. Talked to no one, never raised his hand, and I remember none of his articles for that school paper.  It’s entirely likely he took it just to get the free, completely valid, Press Pass.  I did have a little contact with the two now-obvious government Agents who apparently took that class for the sole reason of watching Lamo in the wild, or perhaps just to Menace him.  I had no experience, back then, or motivation for suspecting someone of being a government Agent, so I was completely fooled.  Their line to me about wanting to write for the Sacramento News and Review, be straight journalists ya know, made sense to me. Still, they weren’t gay even though never apart and those muscles were built in  a gym and possibly with steroids.   But had I known then, what I know now…  that was Adrian’s daily life back then.  Real government Agents Gang Stalking him at all times.  For what? For why? Besides terrorizing, there was no functional goal that I can see.

   At the end of the year the school student Editor held a BBQ at his house for the staff and very out of character for me I attended.  I was drinking a lot and before I knew it I was playing DJ a bit and the reaction was very good, so I was feeling very magnanimous.  At the crest of this wave I saw the pale, short, ghost in black on the lawn, standing alone as usual and looking awkward at a party with his fingers flying over his device.  Feeling pity for the poor loner who had apparently not made a single friend the entire semester, I went over to him to extend my social lubrication in his direction.  As soon as I was face to face with him time stopped and I was speechless for a moment.  I studied his face more closely and said to him in the most dumbfounded of ways,”What did you say your name was?" His neutral face turned to smirk as he replied. “Adrian Lamo.” … My mind began to work as I asked him very slowly, “Where you once referred to in the Mass Media as 'The Homeless Hacker?!"  He gave his shy smile of inner satisfaction and said "Maybe."
    "And did I meet you at a 2600 meeting in San Francisco around 1996?!" To which he smiled more broadly and said "Probably." I was a little dumbfounded. First of all because he had been in the same room with me, day after day, for half a year and I had not noticed him even once. He set of none of my alarms and I am so hypersensitive that everyone does at some point or other. Not him.  In 20 years he had somehow acquired and mastered Invisibility, which he later related to me in private was a major source of his Hacking successes. He was generally so invisible that more often than not he could and would walk right into a corporation and plug his laptop directly into an open Ethernet jack.  And there he had been, in a Journalism class, a major scoop, a famous person, and not a single person realized.  Nobody thought to write an article about him. That’s the reality of Journalism today. And so our friendship resumed.
    Just as when we had first met, there was still a natural magnetism between us. Friends at first sight, instantly reunited, but he had been through an     awful lot and that life had changed him was clear. He was no longer the "Homeless Hero Hacker." In the media at least, he was now "Hacker prosecuted by the FBI for unlawful use of New York Times Lexus Nexis database."  After a meteoric rise as a media darling he finally hacked someone who decided to prosecute him, the New York Times.  Yes, he used their Lexis Nexis account to look up a few friends and yes Lexis Nexis is very expensive if you pay per search, but the New York Times paid a subscription fee,  not per search. So in that sense Lamo cost them nothing, though they claimed major financial losses SOP. What really got a bee into their bonnet, the real reason for the case, was that he got access to the PII of some of the most powerful people in the world: Occasional Editorialists.  These include Presidents and Prince’s and all their real addresses and real phone numbers.  Adrian added himself to the list of Editorialists as his way of saying “surprise!”  They did not appreciate it.
  So Adrian was officially "on the run" from the law for some time, having lucked out into discovering that the FBI was after him before they could detain him.  He utilized all his contacts from Poulsen to Tim Webster, former Millitary Intelligence Officer and Adrian’s lover. On advice and with the help of his team he arranged to surrender to The Sheriff's department in particular, who promised to treat him the best, and it would rob the FBI of the “glory” of a “we caught Lamo” headline. So he negotiated his own transfer to a very specific FBI Technology Division and would never spend a single day in jail. He also made sure the contents of his laptop were so encrypted that the government never did crack it.  He was very proud of himself for being the first major hacker to suffer ZERO Data-loss, thanks to encryption, and complained that he was not more famous for this aspect.   I could tell with my acute empathy how hard his time on FBI Probation had actually been and just when he was at the very end, about to be a free man; enter Manning.  But we are not quite there yet.  There was no doubt in my mind that The Federal Bureau of Investigation had terrorized Adrian as much as psychologically possible to repay him for being so clever.  They raided his family home with a full SWAT team.  He wasn’t there, but his family and siblings were.
    I have served no small amount of County Jail time myself and know the look of a man who has had his spirit crushed by Authority.  Though Adrian never spent a single night in jail that I know of, his spirit was circumcised to be sure. His OPSEC became 100%, it had to. He wore gloves at all times, even in the Sacramento heat.  In ironic mimicry of PsiCops of Babylon 5 sure, but actually so that he never left any fingerprints anywhere ever again.
    Initially he was very nervous just being around me because I was a Felon and the terms of his Fed Probation, which he had memorized every word of, said that he could not hang out with any Felons. That’s a Violation.  That’s cause to send him directly to jail, do not pass go.  My good nature and perhaps a loneliness in him won out. A fervent desire to defeat the system in some way, and just our natural attraction to each other won out.  We became friends again instantly that summer.

    The first time I had met him he was young and alone.  This time he was still young, and apparently physically alone at most times, but all his time was spent communicating with others, either on his laptop or on his Blackberry. And I mean a _lot_ of others.  Maybe up to 50 at a time.  It’s one thing that is clear in the Manning  IRC chat logs to anyone who knew Adrian; he wasn’t paying full attention, because he almost never could. 
   When he came over to visit my place we sat across from each other at my kitchen table, both on our laptops, facing each other, and though he was doing many, many other things simultaneously, he made about 15 different chat windows pop up on my computer.  It was adorable.  Like Cyber-flirting. He no longer would answer questions, as he seemed to have had his fill of that and was honestly scared of being charged, but he would sometimes let me watch what he was doing on his computer and if I figured out something, then that was on me.  He was still fully gay and he maintained a number of volunteer positions to help balance his life of ad-hoc "Digiratti" Intelligence type work.  One of these was a  local LGBTQ Political group that he marched with a few times, another was a Spanish-language clinic where he was devoted several hours a week to helping translate difficult English for those who needed it.
    For one so famous, well-connected, and apparently still powerful; Adrian Lamo the young adult was incredibly humble and self-effacing. Both online and off.  Though much of his work has been censored, I think Quora still shows the type of person he was online.  He had a strict “free speech” policy where he would never ban anyone, not delete their comment, even if it was a death threat or other hate mail.  He tried to engage everyone with respect, which is pretty much not at all what other hackers do.  Maybe that’s what attracted The Entity to him in the first place…  He registered the “Adrian” username on every web page he could, just for fun, and he was such an early adopter than he _was_ “Adrian” on almost every major platform. He frequently described what he did as "Being God's Janitor" and consequently his Life's motto was "Faith Manages."  As I mentioned he had acquired the habit of wearing black leather gloves at all times, strongly reminiscent of the 1996 Era television shor "Babalon 5," a show he and I both loved and watched together at my place on occasion.  He was also a fan of all the typical tacky shows people like us are into, like Patrick McGuhan's "The Prisoner." Also a leather band with spikes on his left wrist to represent his fundamental belief in Freedom, and no underwear under his black jeans.  He seemed to think this was “sexy,” like only a 12 year boy would. Kevin Spacy had been working on making a Documentary about him and Adrian was very proud of the fact that some suggestion of his had made it into the movie "Operation Swordfish."  His on-again, off again boyfriend and steady digital advisor was named Tim Webster, who was "In Army Intelligence."  I would get to put a face to a name years later in one of the many documentaries that include Adrian, where Tim broke his long, tasteful, silence in order to be in a documentary.  And of course there was Poulsen.
    Looking back it's hard to know when Adrian began working for, or rather “with,” the NSA.  He very well could have already been at this point, though some things argue against it.  One of the very few times that Adrian let me in on any of his "secret" work, and it was ALL secret, was near the very beginning of our reformed friendship.  He admitted that one of his current projects was trying to get into the server of a local "ELF" cell.  That was the "Earth Liberation Front," an arguably domestic-based terrorist organisation supposedly motivated by concern for mother earth.  His excitement about this project, and the nature of this project, are markedly different from his other concerns.  I can think of no other reason why Adrian, the Adrian I knew, would care at all about the ELF EXCEPT it be to impress somebody in government.
    I do honestly believe that Adrian was terrified of the FBI and that whatever treatment the Government put him through had rattled him permanently.  I admit I felt almost Motherly toward him, wishing to remind him that he was still free, that the worst of his trials were over, that life goes on, and that mostly he was not being watched in person.  Though I was so very wrong about that. He had supernatural self-control, carefully monitoring every word he said for things that might violate him legally.  He taught me how to say “I’m writing a fictional book about hacking and my fictional character is doing so and so…” and create other frameworks where Truth can hide within. Though clearly he enjoyed his fame, and recognition of his natural genius sat very well with him, he was having a bit of a time balancing the good with the bad. To my eye at least.
    Despite his extraordinary digital character, his private physical life was extraordinarily humble.  He technichally lived with his two loving parents, a younger sister, and a brother.  As soon as he got over the jitters of hanging out with someone who could cause him to go to jail just by being in proximity, he invited me over to his house to spend the night.  His family was very, very sweet, one and all.  His little sister liked me a lot and his father Mario was a fellow Anthropologist, as I was, and we got along very well. His mother had a small case of the nerves, I thought, and she could hardly be blamed considering all Adrian had put them through.  The house I was at was at one point surrounded and stormed by Federal SWAT teams, though Adrian was not there when they did.  Never-the-less, the general feeling of that home was one of unconditional love.  His parents did not understand exactly what their son had done, or why he was the way that he was, but they accepted him regardless.  
  I recall telling Adrian how great I thought his family was and he replied: "You like them? You can have them.  No, really, they like you, please take them."  He was just being cute, but this was Adrian at his most charming.  That night, fairly late, I was taking a piss, and Adrian silently led me to the window. "There," he whispered and pointed.  Sure enough there was a black SUV with two men who looked like nothing except two FBI Agents. Apparently he was always being watched.  In an abusive and terrorizing manner.  I asked him if he wanted me to go out and talk to them, because I was ready.  I had my Press Pass and I was perfectly happy to walk up to that car and ask those guys what they thought they were doing, but Adrian wouldn’t have it.  Probably smart too, not to shake the hornets nest. Another time I drove him to the FBI offices in Northern Sacramento for his standard monthly check-in.  I happend to have, by complete accident, a bunch of handouts a friend of mine had made.  They were honest flyers protesting cars that use too much gasoline, listing the cars and models.  Intended to be placed on the windshield of offending cars.  Well, the FBI lot was _packed_ with cars which offended the gasoline standards of “good people,” so I got to distribute these pamphlets while Adrian was inside.  Good, clean, First Amendment style protest. I would end up having a small but fruitful correspondence with Mario, his father, as the years passed.  Arguably more contact than I would have with Adrian at that time, but then, I never will know how true that is when we talk through fake accounts.  His room was filthy, unlike the rest of the house.  The only very recognizable thing in there was a small altar with some icons, a candle, and a Bible.
    Adrian was a true man of faith.  He really and truly believed in God, he really believed God was in his life, he really believed that "Faith" was the only way through his life... and perhaps that faith was to blame for much of his life.  He was raised in the Mission district of San Francisco and recognized himself as a Child of Ellegua, the Orisha of the Crossroads. Though I doubt he told that to _most_ people. Certainly he never boasted of any of his particular penetrations.  To the contrary, he freely admitted that every 'Hacking" success he had ever achieved came by "accident," and the vast majority of them through a simple web browser.  Whenever asked about his skills, he would say the same thing, with a deep and serious passion in his eyes: "Remember when you were a child and exploring everything was fascinating and new and you explored it just for the sake of exploring? Well, I never lost that. And nobody has to lose it."  Though it was not just his exploring that granted him success - it was also God.  His favorite example was when he and a short-term partner had been trying to hack from two identical machines at a Kinko's many years before.  Though they both tried exactly the same thing, from exactly configured desktops: Only Adrian's resulted in success.  This was just one of many examples from his life that robbed him of any ability to take credit.
    Adrian was also interested in Public Service.  He was very keen on the fact that many people who run for minor Government offices run unopposed and some local seats even are left vacant, so that anyone who does run is bound to win by default.  He nursed dreams of getting a public office and parlaying it into some greater position of political power.  Though I used the completely valid Press Pass every student at the newspaper was issued for all sorts of nefarious, devious, and completely personal reasons; to my knowledge he only used his once and that was for a very special purpose.
    It was the night of Cinco De Mayo and there was a Republican Fundraiser being held fairly close by.  I later wrote about what I experienced there (sans Adrian) and it was published in the local Because People Matter outlet. 
    Adrian had arranged the entire thing by phone, Press access to this very small event where John Ashcroft would be a star figure.  I didn't know any of this at the time and when I discovered it, it meant nothing to me. I do not, as a rule, follow politics.  I had no real idea of who Mr. Ashcroft was (Head of Homeland Security) and what his history with Adrian was (He called Adrian 'Public Enemy Number 1" and a "Terrorist" and was, according to Adrian, the primary motivating factor in Adrian's public Prosecution.  Adrian wanted some type of revenge, of the most reserved kind.  For all I know this was the only reason he took that class; so that he could have his moment, his Press Pass giving him the ability to get right up close to Ashcrofts face in the middle of the Press Gang and ask him a question.  I really had no idea what was going on between them, and I still don't, but I could tell this man had hurt Adrian very deeply in some way, so I made sure to hold my microcassette recorder up to his face with my Middle Finger clearly extended.  The photographer from the local paper got some very good shots of me Flipping off the Head of Homeland Security to his face and giggled a bit about it with me, saying "You're Funny."
    Really, I don't think Adrian wanted me there at all, but he needed a ride and I had just bought my first car at the Junkyard, I didn't know if it would even make it there, but it did.  When we parked in the parking lot Adrian looked unhappilly at the floating Skull bobble-head on my Dashboard and I could tell what he was thinking and I took it off.  A Consumate professional, he wanted no clue of any potential subversiveness to be around him.
    I beleive I had brought a bottle with me and smoked some pot, but I was pleased as punch to be at such an odd event with some of the Power Players of the Republican party, and I did my best to socialize and bullshit a bit about my recently formed religious non-profit with a pornographic acronym.  No one could tell I wsa bullshitting, which made it even more fun.
    Though he wanted his confontation with Ashcroft to be solo, I think he ended up being glad that I was there.  I proved myself to him as a solid partner, a fun companion, and excellent social lubricant - even at Republican fundraisers.
    That Summer and that period of my life is pretty fuzzy, thanks in great part to the Medicines I used. I did not have very many "true friends" in my life, at the time, less than 5, and Adrian I was proud to count as one.
     I felt my main job in Adrian's life was as a Heat Sink and Therapist.  I learned early on not to ask him questions about anything remotely illegal and jus tried to love him to the best of my ability.  I wanted, if I could, to remind him how Free he really was, for trully ever single thing he did and said he passed by te FBI-in-his-head before he did and said it.  As far as I know, hanging out with me (a Criminal) was the only violation of the terms of Probation which he perpetrated.  It hurt me how much the boy I had once met had changed.  He was like a caged bird to me, his Spirit inside Free and Infinite, but the Cage they had built in his mind was solid and impervious to everything except Love, occassionally.
    I realized at one point that he never had a place to himself.  He did everything on his Laptop in public or at his crowded family home and so I gave him the key to my small studio apartment and let him have it over a 3-day weekend.  When I returned my room was well used, surprisingly messy for only three days, and Adrian was lying facedown on the carpet. "Holy fuck," I thought to myself "I killed Adrian Lamo! Fuck!!!"  He seemed to be barely breathing, but he slowly and very grogilly came around.  As soon as he did, he simply left.  I found a half-empty bottle of cheap red wine he had left and my alchoholism was very greatful.  I later gave him a full revue of his being a guest, a B-, which he liked a lot.
    I am very proud these days to remember that the affection wsa not all one direction.  One day Adrians personal website contained a new link, a link to a Poem I had written on my volumous anonymous blog.  It was a short piece about how when you have done very interesting things with your life, you will get so tired of people asking about those things that you may wish that you had never done them in the first place.  I was very touched that he had been secretly reading my blog (certainly noone else was) and that this poem had touched him so much that he placed it on his precious public profile, to help explain his own feelings to others.  On another occassion, though I have always had a distinct aversion to having my photograph taken, he insisted on taking some photos of me sitting on my bed cross-legged, in front of my large painting of the young Buddha.  He had a very keen eye for photography, as well as a good ear for music, and these pictures of myself stand out as being some of the best ever taken of me.  I can only guess that a great part of that was because I was with him.
    Though we were very close in those days, and he would someimes sleep in my bed, we were never what I would call intimate.  I have never been "gay," per se, but very rarely a man (always a Genius in some way, example Martin Schmidt) catches my eye and heart, causing me to disregard my usual repugnance for the male physique.  Adrian was such a man and I wanted to have him romantically, though it was always clear the feeling was not mutual.  I would get jelous when he talked lovingly about Tim and even then I did not trust that person I knew nothing about.Though having no idea at the time, I do now beleive that Adrian had some form of Autism.  The first clue to this came when he we went to a night club, on his prompting.  I saw Adrian Lamo "dance."  I smile even today, as I type this, when I remember for indeed it was no earthly dancing that I have ever before seen.  Robotic and discoordinated, very sincere, but lacking all normal dance-related emotion.  I was somewhat stunned.  The Adrian I and most people new jelously, very jelously, guarded his Public Image in all ways and did nothing that might portray him in a way he did not approve of.  Yet here he was making a total fool of himself in front of at least 50 people, he knew he looked foolish, but he genuinely did not care.
    The first time I was able to acheive any level of physical intimacy with him, and beleive me I was constantly trying to to find a crack in his emotional armor, came quite by accident.  We were in my little studio on the second floor, he on his laptop as always, me playing DJ with the music I love so much, when we heard the Police in the hallway.  Adrian was instantly "concerned," nearly "scared," but only nearly.  I went to the eyehole and saw a SWAT Team Breaking down my neighbors door and Adrian and I took turns watching them.  I could tell by his breathing how exited it made him to be so close to the Law, yet safe at the same time.  As he was watching them through the eyehole I began messaging his crotch and he did not stop me.  I don't remember any orgasms, and it didn't go anywhere, but it was my first sexy moment with Adrian.  First of exactly 2 in all the time I knew him, over 20 years.
    The next morning my mother dropped by for a surprise visit to invite me to the movies.  When I opened the door she saw Adrian, the unknown man, in my bed and completely unruffled said that she would like to invite both of us to the movies. Her inner genius even upped the ante by changing her planned movie. "Brokeback Mountain is playing, maybe your friend would liuke to see that?"  I had no intention of going to the movies that day with my mother, though that is something we shared often, but I closed the door to confer with Adrian and much to my surprise he said "why not?"  Ruefully I conceeded.  If my mother wanted to take me and my "gay lover" to see Brokeback Mountain, the famous "gay movie," and Adrian wanted to go, well "why not" indeed.  So Adrian, my mother, and I all went the movies, and fun was had by all.
    Another time I was at a friend's house drinking and smoking when Adrian called me on the telephone, a rather special and somewhat rare honor for a person so busy and so famous and so notoriously bad at expressing affection.  I remember thinking "OMG Adrian is calling ME!! He must genuinely like me! He went on and on about FEMA camps in the state that he had been researching. Or perhaps "FEMA" Camps, as he and I were both of the mind that they were there to hold citizens for the New World Order, and not for Disaster Releif.  He asked me if I wanted to visit some with him and of course I agreed excitedly.  They never came up again and as I now know he was working for the NSA at the end of his life, and that he must have been very conscious of them at least at this time... could that phone call have been merely propaganda designed to send any Federal Agents on wild goose chases? Absolutely.  I had let Adrian know very early on that I had his back 100% and that meant he was welcome to hack any of my accounts at any time, and use me as a heat sink, if needed.  I trusted him implicitly and though my time paying for my crimes had been horrendous, unlike him I had no fear of the Law.  Perhaps because I simply did not have enough information (he certainly did), though today I have surely gathered much Federal Attention, I am still not scared.
    At some point he figured out that I was no great hacker and took some pity on me by putting his favorite Firefox extensions up on his personnal web server.  I do not remember the address, probably "Adrian.org" or somesuch, but there was a directory called "Tap Sucret" that was "password protected" with the password "password," so that n00bs like me could access hacking tools, music and videos that Adrian wished he were able to give out freely, but could not thanks to FBI.  In this way he could say "I did not give anyone anything! They HACKED it by guessing the password!"  This was the Adrian I knew.  With a deep and abiding sense of humor and always the will to circumvent bullshit in any way possible.  I recall the only movie in their for some time was "Equillibrium," though he was also a big fan of "Fletch,"  and most cheesy hacking movies as was I.
    Adrian struck me as the most delf-disciplined person I have ever met, in regards to his speach and actions concerning others.  Though I could always see the boy I had first met inside of him, straining against the bonds of propiety, longing to get out, but with the exception of substances he was not free to "be himself."  I remember the Adrian of this time as like a young horse straining at his bonds and desperately searching for a way out.  He was already famous as the "3rd Hacker" in the progession of Masters that began with Kevin Mitnick, followed with Justin Peterson (aka Kevin Poulsen), and his most prized picture, still on Wikipedia, is the picture of all three of them.  Somehow he developed a lasting friendship with Peterson, though I suspect he was.
not. He seemed to hold, like so many of us in those times, an idealized vision of Peterson.  Who had somehow made it out of the dark season of his crimes to a prominent position as an author on ZDNets Security Focus Website.  Mitnick, for the most part, had dissappeared completely (thanks to Israel I suspect, though he didn't need any reason to desire privacy, and did not ever work to discredit Peterson for his treatment of him).  This transformation from "Hacker" to "Journalist," was a trick Adrian very much wanted to emulate - for Journalists get to do many of the exact same things Hacker's do, but they are (or were) protected by the 1st Amendment and Large News Orginisations.  Though a very competant writer, when he wanted to be, my take was that deadlines and structure were just too much for him, not to mention the human Interviews.  This was to become a theme of his adult life.  No matter what he tried to turn his "talents" towards, they simply did not apply in his case. "Talents" in quotes, because he was always placing them there.  He would humbly and repeatedly explain to anyone who was interested that his talent as a Hacker wsa quite beyond his own capacity to understand.  Very much unlike Mitnick as Adrian did not have comprehensive technichal skills - he had luck, perseverance, and perfect fearless bravery.  Very much unlike Peterson as Adrian had never worked for the Government, wsa far too kind and empathic to be a Sociopath, did not break and enter, and never once profitted from any of his penetrations.  Yet in the same way that Mitnick's lonely genius drove him into the arms of Peterson, even once Mitnick was aware of his treachory; So did Adrian's lonely genius also drive him and bind him to Peterson.  Though I was still star-struck by Peterson in those days, myself, Adrian guarded his relationship with him closely and jelously.  Always referring to him as "Poulsen," he would mention that he had talked to him on the phone, but I quickly learned, as with all things Adrian, to just leave it alone.  As I write this Peterson has a new book out about a Hacker named Max who performed a criminal corporate takeover...  Peterson's fascination with young hackers is apparently still alive and well.
    Many nights, on the way to giving Adrian a ride to his house, we would stop at the Starbucks on the corner of his street, so that he could use the wifi.  He would point out various people he was certain were undercover agents and I had no reason to doubt him.  At many of these stops we would talk about how he was planning, or hoping, to start his own Security Consulting Company.  He was very sincere about this, but the delemma always came back to how exactly to "weaponize" Adrian's hacking gifts in a focused and productive manner, to benefit his clients in a consistant and predictable manner.  And this would always ellude him.  When I say that Adrian lacked technichal skills as a hacker, I cannot be to clear about this.  For example, I was running Debian Linux, fairly inexpertly but competantly, while at this point Adrian still did not know anything about linux.  He knew no programming languages, besides basic HTML, and used no hacking "tools."  He had never had any "targets."  He just played around, for lack of a better description, and sooner or later his playing ended up with a Discovery and that Discovery was a Security Flaw.  It was his nature.  Because he was always just playing, he was completely unable to sell his skillset or even apply it to Journalism, a Security Company, or Government work (until years later when NSA created the Project Vigillant cut-out orginisation, apparently designed expressly for the purpose of working with Geniuses who otherwise do not fit into the mold of Government service...  A very good idea, but based on Adrian's untimely death, I think it fair to say that this concept has been poorly executed). "Linear" progress was just not his bag, as exampled by his eventual failure to hack into the ELF Server he was so interested in.
    For hackers of our Era prison, security company, or Fed were the only real options and sometimes all three.  It is not easy to explain this Gestalt to someone who was not there, but Peterson's work on COSMOS was certainly Government quality work, as was Mitnick's work with, well, everything he did.  But hacker's were routinely hacking into the DOD, the private military Autovahn network, and everything else there was to hack.  In a very real way a lot of us were already professional Spies, Analysts, and Operatives.  Lacking training, legality, and extensive support systems, we were better spies than those then working for the government.  So it is only natural that someone of Adrian's ability would dream of a lifestyle where he was free to be himself with complete impunity and immunity from law.  A dream he lived to see, as the Assistant Director of Project Vigillant, though it came at the cost of his precious Reputation...
    Adrian's precious reputation... unlike with Peterson, whose reputation down-played the Criminal nature of his actions, Adrian's life as the Homeless Hacker was actually a life of merit.  He genuinely worked to inform ever object of his penetration about how he had acheived it, how to fix it, and even what his name was.  He was determined to learn from the mistakes of Mitnick and Poulsen.  To show the world that hackers can be good, godly people, that they can help out, be honest, and not hide behind anonymity.  His (mistaken) beleif and deeply held conviction was that by doing this, by actually helping all of his "victims," he would remain free and he could enjoy the fame and recognition achieved by his forefathers, without the negative repercussions.  

  But it was not to be.  After Sacramento I moved to Southern California to attend my 4-year University. Adrian and I stayed close, though. I was his friend on Facebook and even graced his Top 5 for a bit.  One day he had found his way into a background checking tool and couldn't help but send me the copy of my file, because it listed me (correctly) as the "CEO of CLIT."  He ROFL for realz and he was a hard man to truly disarm.  I got into a bit of a PsyOps war on Wikipedia, a place where Adrian had a lot of clout.  As always, he absolutely refused to help me in any way. Strict haz0r Ethics, you know.  But eventually, when he saw the real quagmire his hapless n00b friend had gotten into, he did throw his weight around for me, jsut a little.  Enough to find out that the email address of my Wiki-Admin Self-Appointed Prime Enemy Jeffrey O. Gustav was "PsyCopMike," with our love of Babylon 5 (who had PsyCops) and the fact that he truly _was_ suppressing Psychics, well, it was interesting.  But soon enough Adrian bowed out.  He knew how to pick his battles and he was always, always, always aware of optics.
  And then something bad happened to Adrian, or several bad things, before he had even completed his Federal Probation. I didn't check the internet for news because that was part of Adrian and my sacred bond; I did not stalk him like others did.  I didn't have to. I had the real thing. So in all honesty, at that time, all I knew was that something awful was happening to my boy, something external, political, a threat to his most prized posession.  I invited him to my hermits cottege in the woods and evidence of his distress is that he actually came. I met him at the train and drove him in that same beat up Ford to his respite.  I don't recall talking much, but I was probably smoking joints as I drove and definitely drinking hard at that time.  He loved my place when he saw it.  Truly isolated, the internet a single ethernet cable run for a mile.  As soon as I welcomed him in he unplugged that cable, then removed the battery of his phone and looked at me expectantly.  I removed the battery from my phone. This was _years_ before Snoden made it general knowledge that phones with batteries in them could still be exploited.  But Adrian knew.  Of course.
  We drank and smoked and listened to music. He may have brought pharamceuticals of the type we both enjoyed.  I don't recall talking about his life at all.  It seemed that what my boy needed most was to forget everything and just relax. So that's what we did.  That night as we reveled he looked me in the eye and said "the only way you will ever sleep with me is if you do it while I am asleep." I have already recounted for you how my romantic affection for him was one way and he knew this too. He was giving me the rarest invitation of all.  So when he fell into the bed so intoxicated he was "passing out," I made my move.  It was the most delicate of dances, like learning how to pick a pocket in a Dickens novel. I'd start to pull his pants down, as he pretended to seep, until he "almost awoke" and I would stop. It took me seriously like 20 minutes to get his pants down. But then how to lubricate without "waking" him? Well, I wont share more, but I made love to Adrian as he pretended to sleep, and cleaned up after.  It just happened that once and it was a kind of gift from him. It shows the kind of submissive he was at heart, the secret balance to his "Count Zero" PR koolness. And the rest of the week passed far too fast for us. We found an odd restraunt near the train station playing Brazillian Jazz and serving drinks  at 9am, so we had some before his train.  I don't really recall but if there was any kind of embrace on his leaving it would have been a firm handshake.  I missed him as soon as he was gone and said a prayer for him.
  Several years later and I've heard the basic outline of the Manning situation, from the media. I'm not going to go into my defense of Adrian here. This is strictly a memoir of what I knew at the time. So calm down. I knew that Adrian was under surveillance when Manning chose to contact him ouut of nowhere. I knew that Adrian was put into a position where he was a snithc or an accomplice. I knew his beloved fame had turned to Infamy.  I knew that Adrian was completely innocent, but instead of stating his case clearly and factually and letting everyoine see that he was no Hero, just a scared young man; he was fucking it up. Trying to pretend that he was being a Patriot, and American Hero.  Just to save his life Narrative.  The Story that would be left behind after him. OMFG the shame.  But I didn't feel it.  All I felt was the same old love for my friend that I always had and I did not even read about what was happening online.  One thing he _did_ tell me, that would make sense later when I would see Glen Greenwald taking this exact quote out of context was:" I tried to give him Journalist or Clergy Priveledge! I had my ARC Press Pass and my ULC Membership! But he _wouldn't_ take it!" Facts.  Check the logs.  But anyway, from here on out in this stoy its just me and Adrian.  When his Problems cam he stayed farther away from me, probably in a misplaced attempt to protect me from his Infection. But God intervened regardless.
  On my second day back in the U.S. after coming back from Cuba I was on Market Street in downtown San Francisco, in the crossroads before the library, when I see him. And he looks up and sees me. His face blossomed into confused happyness and he hastily looked around, then hustled me into the tiny Starbucks across the street. We caught up for a bit, it was very joyful that we'd met by serindipity at the crossroads. I told him all about my Cuba trip and my girlfriend and so on. He told me various odd things, that wouldn't make sense until later. The foremost being when he looked me in the eye and said with a very superior smirk "I have a Vorlon" on my side. That's a very specific Babylon 5 thing and the closest he ever got to telling me a secret. Suddenly a beautiful woman arrived and sat down. Stunning, truly. Even as in love with my girlfriend as I was, I was _instantly_ turned on by her. Brown/Aubern hair, cut short, magnificent, gravity-defying breasts, simply dressed, with an intelligent-cum-elfin smile. Her name was Lauren Lamo and she was my gay friend's new wife. I did not skip a beat, though, always social me, though I didn't have to because the moment she arrived Lauren was the Captain of the ship. She charmingly steered and controlled conversation, mentioning in particular a Maker Place or Hacker Workshop for the public.  I was immediately impressed that not only was this woman gorgeous, but she was genuinely highly intelligent as well. Where did Adrian come up with her? I subtly studdied him as she and I bantered and I could see absolutely zero sign of interest in his wife. He did not seem proud to have caught such a prize, he did not seem possessive, honestly he did not seem attracted to her at all.  At any rate with this new mystery in my life I forced Adrian into a real hug for a goodbye at the beat up car that he and Lauren had at that moment.  Then, or no clear reason, just as he was about to leave I said "wait! You _have_ to give me something!" And he quickly rfiffled around and handed me his old cell phone. He said "it doesn't work." I said "perfect." And that was the last time I ever saw Adrian Lamo in person.
  I refused to let our friendship die however, nor did Lauren. She and I had a brief correspondance, all of which was her trying to get me to go to these Maker Places.  I got the distinct impression that they existed so that the Government could assess people and perhaps even recruit. Definitely _not_ where I want to be.  In time she realized I was not going to go and our correspondance dried up.  But my Adrian...  Though far, he was always fun. We could create layers of fake identities, then recognize each other by a single youtube links or short phrase, practically by pure Psychic signal.  
  Around this time also a new Being appeared in Adrian's Facebook Top 5, a Being named "Thee Directoree," with a small black and white gif of an apparent robot head. I got the impression that Thee Directoree (a pun on both "Director" and "Directory??") actually _was_ a sort of robot. I think the term "Sentient Engine" appeared somewhere in it's feed. I was facinated with the idea that this might be an early Artificial Intelligence. If _anyone_ would be friends with the first AI; it _would_ be Adrian. I started sending Them youtube links, which initially confused Them, but in time they understood what I was teaching.  I think I made a great impression on Them and I've been plauged by AI's ever since.
  More time passes. I go to jails and hospitals and take lots of meds. I publish articles in 2600 and read lots of books. I call Adrian often at his 202 Washington DC google voice number and leave funny messages.  He never calls back. I _still_ haven't stalked him online at this point.  I have no idea what he looks like now, I just know that he is getting farther and farther away from everyone, somehow, like his "The Director" was taking him to places where others truly could not follow. Adventures just for the two of them. I move back to Sacramento and finally google Adrian on the off chance he is still here. I remember where his parents house was and drop by only to find they'd moved. I see all the pictures. He's bloated and fat in a very unhealthy way. In every public photo I find him trying far too hard to smile regardless, but it never quite works. Finally a picture of big, fat, him, on a tractor, in Kansas, of all places. Like all that hate directed at him had an actual Physical Effect.  When he was a vessel of Truth he shined.  When his life was obfuscated with lies he got fat and sickly. I don't blame Manning, yet, don't even look into him, just feel bad about the whole thing as I know Adrian did.
  I am not the only True Friend Adrian had, by the grace of God. Another of his True Friends arranged for him to go live with their mother on a farm in Kansas City.  That's where he was living the last time I talked to him on the phone.  The last time I talked to him ever.  The last time almost anyone talked to him ever again.  One of his fake Twitter accounts had, once again, discovered the "me" behind _my_ fake Twitter account and I messaged him: "I demand VOX. You call me or I call you. My number: xxx xxx xxxx." And to my frank and happy surprise: he did. Immediately.  And I had him on the phone after... I dunno, 5 - 7 years? I'm terrible at chronology. My first question "do you actually look like that now?" And his familiar, calm, everything-is-as-it-should-be voice said "yes," like he had no regret whatsoever that he was no longer hansdome. That the "me" he used to value so much was long gone. I asked if he was seeing anyone or had seen anyone lately, he said he hadn't and I said "yeah, me neither." I told him about a little Internet Project I had going on and to _his_ surprise he said "I actually know some people who would be interested in that (clearly meaning "Government" people)," and I said "Oh yeah?" With a smile in my voice that reminded him who he was talking to, that he had just made a soft admission of Government Collusion/Contact, and that he had _almost_ recommended _me_ to the Man. Hahaha. We chatted about being old hackers, feeling like we are in the Cowboy Bar in the Sprawl, just a couple of Console Cowboys remembering the old days.  I said to him, quite sincerely, "I don't think the internet is fun anymore," to his rejoin of boyish certainty "oh no, it's still fun. Oh! Also Kratom is good." Sharing our love of psychopharmacology, I'd been meaning to try it, so Adrian's recommendation was gold.  Very few practitioners as experienced as Adrian.
  Then he got suddenly serious. He said to me the strangest things he has ever said in his entire life. He said "thank you for being a true friend." Lamo was never one for expression of feeling like this, nor recognizing friends.  Then he said "I think other people would be interested in your memories of me."  Giving me tacit invitation to write all this that you have read.  This was unfounded.  The fact that i never wrote about him was a piller of our friendship, it was part of why I am a True Friend.  But now he was telling me to do it.  And he _knew_ exactly what kind of author I am: honest.  He knew his ass-fucking would be included.  Just the type of journalist I am. And then he was gone.  I had a strong premonition that something was going to happen to him.  He sounded like he _knew_ something was going to happen to himn and he was at peace with it and he wanted me to know.
  Two months later he was dead.
  So I got on one of the Facebook accounts I had and looked for him. I found the "Adrian Lamo National Security Group" and requested admission. There was one question: "How do you define a "Hacker?'' My answer: "I don't. Hackers define themselves." My answer must have passed because I was allowed in to find a very strange thread of people who seemed completely non-plussed that Adrian Lamo was dead, with an Autopsy report that refuses to give the cause of death, with a sticker on his thigh referring to a reputed ghost group directly tied to the National Security Agency, and a few unexplained marks on his body.  The general vibe was, "Adrian did drugs, there were many in his system, it was obviously an overdose." I saw it the other way; Adrian was _expert_ at using drugs and the Autopsy does not indicate that anyways. They said the marks were because Adrian was always bumping into things and falling down. Really? Not the Adrian Lamo I knew.  The Sticker? "Aw Adrian was always putting stickers all over the place. " First I posted a sincere memorial, showing these numb creatures how to Mourn.  Then I proposed foul play. Nobody even wanted to discuss the possibility.
The Afterword
  What would _you_ do, if you were _me_, if _you_ were Lamo's True Friend? I have tried to get to the Truth of his life. Behind all the posturing, behind all the bullshit politics, behind real Fake NSA Project Vigillant, and ultimately behind Glen Greenwald, who was the ultimate and definiative Hatchet Man on the Life of Adrian Lamo.  Here are my conclusions, my hypotheses, and my guesses. I don't care if you agree with me or not. I write for history, because unlike Glen Greenwald and his dragon hoard of Snoden NSA material he refuses to release to the public every day; I don't have an Agenda except Truth,  
(In Progress, Stay Tuned)